I don’t want to wake up. I didn’t smile for a while, ignorance is bliss but it got past all denial. I never went swimming thinking I couldn’t get wet up and there was a hole in my chest so I found it hard to keep my head up. Anyone can get it and the shit I seen men do if I’d told you I be floating in some cement shoes. Thinking I’m Ludacris doing 90 on the highway. WTF was I doing? I got shit to lose and most of all it’d hurt you, someone is looking over me, surely. I went from living in a waiting room to sitting in a waiting room, where’s the jump? If I make it out maybe I’ll hear and it’ll become clear, or maybe I need to accept and move on and say Non, je ne regrette rien. I was Lost among layers. Illusions and reality became hard to distinguish when there was no light. I have more heart than brains so don’t question my heart yet still questions are asked. I felt my grip loosening, quick do something before I lose it for good! It’s Dark and Hell is Hot. Please! please don’t wake me up.
Where do I really even start, first of all I couldn’t be happier with my last write up, fuck calling this a blog btw. As I grow as a writer I am finding my own style, I love to write, It’s nice to feel. I write almost poetic and it’s how I connect feel to the words.
It’s Dark, and Hell is Hot
I really didn’t expect how much I’d fall after June, and It’s surreal almost to process the last 6 months. A fall from a place lower and far from grace. The theft of an identity that had me lost, the loss of hope which had me at my lowest ever point, to be where I am now and to have come back from that position is my biggest ever achievement to date. This ain’t game from the heart it’s pain and joy from the heart, this is me and it comes from the heart so. From June onwards when it rained it really poured. I was ill for two weeks at a time, then I’d get better for a week then fall ill again, I had a series of blood tests and some courses of antibiotics but there was never a real diagnosis to my health problems. I cut my hair off to not be shady anymore, but I still threw shade. I was probably called fake well with you maybe fake’s what I like, and when I write you I wonder would you really write back. Accidental blood on your face I said sorry as I looked back. Tried reaching out he said no but did and will there be a fight back. I have two lifelines as I stare at a Blue butterfly wondering when you’ll come back.
Living in a bad dream I was in turmoil, blind to any sight or light of an end to stop the vicious cycle. All I have to say who I am was not there, I felt like a missing person within myself and smiles only came when I could forget how lost I really was. I took a picture of a clock tower wishing freezing time could be so easy. I needed a lifeline, I’d go riding for an hour but feeling so weak I couldn’t relax, my thoughts would just be full of negativity. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t think, my clear thinking time had been taken away and worst of all it was myself I’d blame. I just wanted my health back, I was living in hell. Even when I wasn’t that low, him saying I tried would not comfort me, closing my eyes at 1 am returning from cicle on cruise, I lost the flow it was 1 am I should’ve called.
I do like Metronomy I have varied music taste. I’d always ask you to bring water. What I wanted was not what I got. Scrolling through notes on my phone as I write this, probably sounds like a load of crap, a message between lines speaking freely the notes aren’t lies. You can’t speak on it unless you know the boy, I’m in my own lane I’m trying to motivate, all these chances I get given of near misses avoiding deadly kisses for what? Where am I going do I need shoes?
Sitting around in my room the picture flew off the shelf, I’m less nervous with him than my dad. I can’t believe I made the guest list. I was offered a new lifeline at lunch, and if you cross him you gotta cross me. I put you on both screens you’re my savior like for you I really drop the tough guy shit. I was recommended the burger and it took me a good hour to build up the courage to speak, I went glossy eyed saying how low I was, I done went through all emotion, from in shock to keeping a poker face to straight breaking down and showing all emotion. He stopped me and reassured me before I shed a tear as I said I just thought it was my year, I was so dead out of love. I stopped saying ya because for while I wasn’t feeling my best, but you the best, with you I feel my best. I had to tell someone so you knew what was wrong what the feeling was. I didn’t want to wake up, living in a nightmare so bad, not waking up really didn’t seem like such a bad thing, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a nice dream. The doctors would call me in saying your blood clear, then your blood clear, well it became clear I’d lost the whole fucking year. I was saying how I was depressed and please Doctor help get this damn cough off around my neck already, please I can’t breath! two illnesses playing with my life like a toy, A hole in my chest how can I keep my head up.
I done the podcast with my Dad and Brad after lunch, a special day with both my heroes. I regard Brad as a father figure almost, just the calm he brings and all he’s done for me. I also hope I do my dad proud as a person regardless of achievements. My dad, he can take the game with him because he defines the word, the one the who puts the G in it, who do you think put me in it? I almost lost him and if I did I’d feel my whole world is blinded, I visited, going in wondering why crying pouring out my heart, then trying to hold face behind it. I won’t forget how my actions were questioned, I done my best and you weren’t there so don’t speak on it. You can be praying you get it, but no man can choose the cards he was dealt, I was at lunch with them and it was either I quit, or I play it like I got it.
I went out there busting seals it’s how I got a deal, I don’t rate your heart if you didn’t go foreign like where’s your heart you’re too boring. France shaped me and yeah maybe I am a bit cooked but that’s just how it can go, and I’ve spent my happiest days here. It’s just all from the heart so even when it gets dark just run that, I’m expressing myself so shut up and let me flow! Come a long way from Chequers Wednesdays. Thought you had my back but instead it’s a tat, I told myself Bluebell cares if don’t nobody else care. I started to come round in August almost, I was still driving and making moves but it take time like a chess piece. I knew I’d see him up in the stars, well deserved bro, bruh and bruh? More heart than brains, I got called in to have more heart checks, my health was still not what it should’ve been. I started getting nervous like what’sup with my heart, fucking typical the one thing I think I have to give is fucked. I poured it out for you and a tear came trembling down, I suppose you didn’t think you’d see me cry well you witnessed it now. Anyway it could never happen to me, although leading up to the results had me questioning chest pains. You really see who’s down with you when you’re fucked up bleeding, when you really build that trust in those moments. It’s hard to find someone to troop and do a bid with you.
Sitting in the waiting room ans it’s times like these to see who really cares for me, eleven eleven I wonder if you ever made a wish or said a prayer for me. When I walked in naive to think I could ever have a problem, I sat down and the specialist put his head in his hands and my chest sunk like he was going to break something to me, thankfully noting was wrong and my heart was cleared healthy, and the panic was short lived.
I went to Italy for a week, pretty fullgas trip but good fun. I got so pissed one night before the ride into Rome haha, good trip with friends and many new ones made. Some sightseeing in the city, I’ve spent my happiest days here. Please don’t wake me up I feel like I’m dreaming.
Back home in October It’s surreal what a month that was, how much riding does for me. It’s my escape, it’s how I feel, I ride to feel. Suppose It’s like getting fucked up, people do it to forget to a point. Only alive when I ride, and I mean that so maybe yeah I’m boring but just leave me alone I’m rolling. It’s nice to feel. I find so much comfort in solidarity. Maybe I was naive as a 18 year old dreamer thinking I’d be different and for the better. I sometimes wonder am I even a good man, maybe he’s twice the man. Considering, there’s two things that’d confirm or deny this. I hope that day comes for many reasons. A question remains in my mind that is it the man who makes the cyclist or the cyclist that makes the man? At night I wish I could do the impossible, please don’t wake me up.
I wonder if there’s been calls before, meaning what you say, tours maybe seemed a chore, comfort in silence yet calls I still answer yours.
That day kinda fucked me up bro, it broke my heart. I was numb for days but yeah I know it’s for the best, when it sank in I cried so you know it fucked me up, not just what was said but the whole year. One of if not the best rides we’ve ever done though, glimpses of how it should be. I love you bro, I’m so real if you said “J get my back” I’d give you my spine. We’ve come a long way from Penshurst cafe and just only spoken between us is enough for what we have achieved as young adults.
Maybe you have beaucoup family but nobody being true to you. I’m not concerned where your fake friends are? Where is your backbone and where are your morals at? If you see me pull my chain out my T you’re seeing progress. You don’t back me but I’m going all money in and I truly can’t imagine how great the joy if I’d gross back, I got shit to loose and that makes me nervous, but there’s more to gain, more at stake. I got shit to do! At the pub as I spin her ring, I didn’t want to see if it didn’t stop. Reve d’voir des reves, If living in a dream only happens when you’re asleep, then please, please don’t wake me up!! I’ve Spent My Happiest Days Here
I am a writer, It’s a passion of mine. Each piece is different depending on what I have been doing and going through.
It’s surreal to have come through such a deadbeat summer, but you never give up and maybe it sounds silly. To inspire just one person whether I know them or not is enough. Impossible is nothing and It’s never over until the fat lady sings. As usual thanks for reading if you made it to the end.
Its Dark, and Hell is Hot by Jesse Yates