Such a question may be avoided by many, I don’t know really, you can see people walk tall and you may think they have the answers but do they go home and ask the mirror on the wall? From the outside looking in, it’s not a true reflection, on the gram everyone wanna be seen stuntin’. I said I lost my Identity I meant it so I wrote it and I’m really putting emphasis on this so it’s duly noted. Riding again, to keep my mind off that weak shit. I don’t just write sad tales I just write. It’s funny I don’t often know when I’ll right next and I’m not sure where this piece will go. I’m doing well though and I can feel again, when I write you it’s hard to read like I shake the pen, so who is it yours sincerely? If you ever write me who’s the Dear to be? I’m shit at goodbyes so I’m riding again but not wasting time wondering Who Am I.
Where’s my notes? goin to my phone open my notes, always look back at what I wrote, I didn’t know I could say such things and I’ll stand by it as in the moment I did feel a way. Turned up you was shook, look back see what it took and no I don’t really understand how I write such notes but. I had this day I ticked it so good I just felt so good. I don’t bring no lies in my notes and I don’t play no games in my quotes, I take this serious not some joke. I don’t go off the rails, cause all that’s gonna do really, is accelerate the anxieties I wish I could alleviate.
Actually had some dreams I was questioning if I was actually remembering a dream, like the message wasn’t saved so was it a dream. I’m such a plus one, like on Christmas Eve. Need to add some photos to this, also I’ve got carried away so it’s not in order ah fuck it here’s some more half scrambled egged sentences. Funny that you sing Kanye and look at the gram saying you don’t like likes, look in the mirror lying isn’t Christ like. Changed my background but not the theme.
It was always meant to be us on the same team, he didn’t even need my genes just my name and I feel he’d still be in the scene. I can’t act like it ain’t faze me that shit hurt my feelings. I suppose I am who I am because of my dad. We stopped at the top of Crockham hill and I was just speechless, I told him it’d be different if he had the title, he said yeah but that’s just life. I was at a loss, how can I go if he can’t go? It just fucked me up to be honest.
Stuff coming back to haunt me, It was a tough time, I was just trying to get back on my feet, I was in such a shit cycle, ah at least I’ve snapped out of it, just trying to motivate now. No there’s not much direction to this writing I don’t know where it’s going but I just wanna ramble some shit then go away lol, maybe I’m crap at this but oh well. I never wrote a letter like that, I suppose, I don’t know, that I wanted to say stuff and I needed to put it in a letter. Oh when we were at the bar and, I know I had just cut my hair, and hahah how can I word it without it being suspect, I said in August. no you’re not meant to get it! Yes I would love to hold your drink and wait for you to come back. A line said by a women’s voice, over the phone and it gives the feeling of the archetypal maternal and wise women counselor. I do wear the cross and yes I also wonder why bad things happen to good people. Funny to think such problems arise from minor confrontations but fuck vegan cheese. Back in the summer I met this girl, it was like since the world against me she’s all for me, God must of overheard my hopeful wishing, never thought it’d of put me in this position.
Prompted? I don’t know eh, a lot of romanticized skate videos, I’m an actor re-peat master. question why it’s like, I’m at a loss, I don’t even know it’s just my mind that gets criss crossed and my eyes flood the room looking for the X the one that marks the spot, I kept mine so I wear it, I laugh thinking will it me a smirk or a wink I am met with. Yanno I’m allergic to Bees so why someone going to Thomas J me? I really do scribble, writing is hard I really lack the flow, then I mention it in the cards like every time haha, it’s always no J it’s fine, It is what it is. I pick number 7, imagine if I could actually say “come over”. I actually screwed my knee in December, how did I deserve to be shown such care from the NHS, when I wonder am I even a good guy, they don’t even know Jess, when it’s said like, Jess it really gets in my chest y’know. Bribing taxi driver when I’m in a mess, thanks, like yeah mega, I don’t forget.
Maybe I’ll come to a point and give an explanation to this title, but it’s such a hard point to get across, like what’s in my head to put into writing is hard, also feeling decent at the moment. I mean sometimes I know ok maybe I’m just remembering, it must be nice and the amount of times I sit around day dreaming about The Last Throw Of The Dice. Haha waiting for someone to ask me how I feel, referring to my legs, and I’ll just say I feel happy or I feel sad or I feel fucking colossal today. I didn’t just drop the wheel because Antwan sat up Rob, ah it’s such a tough one you know bro, sometimes I’m my own worst enemy.
New year, ah how is it 2020, looking back at memories, oh I don’t use Facebook anymore to be honest, so my photos, how can these pics be 5 years old ah it does stress me out, just hope I’m on the right path and I hate having regrets you know the time I have I want to spend it well and with people I can make memories with. Stresses me thinking I don’t have enough. 35mm holding some as I changed a lot, I just wanted to be number 1, but you way too afraid, yeah, I know what your vibe is. Thinking ’bout me, that shit must be sleep depriving, I’m heading off it’s not personal I’m just thinking about thriving, I got to wipe it away like Eternal Sunshine, rather than sitting alone in silence that shits sleep depriving. Back in January I’ll never forget the Saturday, both our tears fell off our cheeks on to one another’s feet. Back in summer it was crazy, I never would’ve thought to be in that position then to say you helped save me is true but it’s such a cliche quote, looking back at my notes how was I even there, enough to make notes, ah some shits sad. How can you say you don’t speak French then talk in such a way? Yeah I’m right here I said that, so you confide and in your time of need, but then you’re all good and overthink, but it’s all cool right. Stressed I’ll send a message if I know who to message, I ain’t even with that, it’s just not me, do you even know me?
I’m speaking freely in either car being me, where am I going and what is my destiny? Being pushed aside for three weeks I cried. Wear the Polartec with the rip in the jersey and when you crash it hurt me. Maybe my only crime is that I’m too damn kind, half sentences and not making sense, saw my eyes it’s different a lot of shit happened my mind is different. I laugh and sound like Mario and when I’m with you I don’t know where time go, said I’m allergic to bees so why Thomas J me? Reaching out I’m there I stand by what I write, you only think it’s not right because after the decision you still finding yourself in situations questioning whether it was right, I said here’s the anti smear clean the window so you see clear, sorry doesn’t do much nor what I wish to hear. If it was golden would you be asking for J’s ear? Do you think about sharing the Oakley flask, I drive way to fast but I was trying to catch more minutes, I need to chill. No notifications on my phone so why I always pickup when I receive your text? Imagine playing doubles on the courts Iced out in white with the Rose Quartz and such thoughts of missing out on making memories stresses me.
I can’t wait to get off grid, been way to long, just felt I needed to ramble a bit, maybe it’s different or thought to not be up to scratch if you like. I’m not stuck in the mud so my writing can vary, maybe I’ll send a postcard, need your address though. Actually feeling like J again, well after this trip I think I’ll be solid to be fair, I’m Jesse, pretty simple guy, if you seen me be genuine that’s what I’m like, I know that’s rare but yeah I do hold back a lot in everyday. I am my writing it’s me but no I don’t just get open so easily, this is my place to write whatever and I’m really not like it to face easily, it’s not meant to make much sense but I’ve said it and I get it. It is cool when you get it too, like I do intend people to get it too, read it like I’m talking to you! Yeah I do throw a lot of shade but maybe with you fakes what I like, don’t hold it against me. I can be tricky yeah, I mean my favorite artist of the decade is Kodak Black, so imagine how much I listen to him being anti social imma be a bit cooked hahah. A week away now, looking in my rear view I’m not paranoid I’m on point.
I wrote back in summer, but I didn’t include it, if you knew it so, wish you’d of slapped me, I can’t go back to that, but I fucked my knee and I was right back, distraught ah need to build level again. Why ride, why try, why die, really had me thinking who am I, I don’t want anxieties about texts, I just need some hours. I would wake up and most days not speak until 7pm, just not speak, I like it here inside my head. Been a year since I wrote a postcard, remember in Nice? Saying how emotional they were. Wonder why I feel such a way, maybe, no I don’t like speaking on what I’m going to do, like you say Harrison, no one really gets it, now I’m feeling lonely, don’t question why I’m some sort of way, just have a bit about you and find out it’s a hardknock life without asking J.
I did lose my identity, it’s not some joke so don’t speak on it if you don’t know the boy, don’t know my sorrow, or know about the trouble I seen. The power of a higher entity entered me mentally, physically, spiritually, I’m on a whole different energy, F the world, but I need you to remember me. I had doubt in myself ’cause I used to fear that you would look at me differently. Writing this I really I didn’t know where to start, and how the irony of finding self in the dark. Can’t wait to get mine. It’s going to be a big couple months, yes I know this is all so hard to read, it’s probably the hardest piece I’ve had to try and put into words, so yeah maybe the points I pick don’t come across, no real order. I’m just trying to motivate. I don’t know when I’ll write next. I’m 23, stubborn to think I’m happy with what I’ve seen. I just wanna be back with my friends, I wanna be with my friends.
Who Am I? More Heart Than Brains.